I often wonder how mums honestly don’t lose it. Tonight my darling daughter (note darling to mean absolute little shit) has had approximately 5 meltdowns – each lasting a good 30-60 minutes for various ridiculous reasons. I’ve got to hand it to her though, she’s consistent!
Let’s start. Reason 1.
Dad left to go finish some things off at work, que seeing the car drive off and the slight panic turning into uncontrollable meltdown within 2 minutes, I’m impressed it took that long. So we walk home in the rain, me convincing her that dad would be home soon. Which then kicked off reason 2.
I’m absolutely fucking terrible with keys. This is the OCD mother, who, when the baby was tiny would lose it if I didn’t have all 11 dummies collected into the dummy box to the point I could not sleep.
Ask me where those dummies are now? Probably with my keys, boots card, old bank card and my sanity. Nowhere to be seen, that’s where.
So, we walk home in the rain, get outside the house and I obviously have no keys. Call dad to bring keys as soon as he’s done. Dad brings said keys, daughter realises dad had gone, gets upset when dad has to go again. Epic meltdown number two!!
I’m pretty sure number 3 is an extension of number 2. Maybe I should come up with a catchy sequel name, but if I’m honest, I just can’t be arsed. So we are in full blown meltdown mode, screaming in the porch, clawing at the front door like some crazy lady. I’ve seen Black Friday shoppers act better…. and they get a TV at the end, what is my little one achieving? Shall I tell you? Sweet FA!
I do the convincing, the ‘daddy will be home soon’ coaching, the ‘he’s not coming back for ages so you’re just being silly’ phase, the ignoring phase, the ‘right that’s it sit on that sofa and don’t move’ phase (which let me tell you is bullshit). I try more phases than the moon himself! I wonder if I can move to the moon….
Then I look outside and she’s left half the contents of my bag on the front lawn so I go out and what does she do? In a strop, she slams the door shut, actually shut. Locked the fuck out by a crazy 2 year old. Remember that story about my keys? Yeah well right now I still don’t know where they are.
Peering through the window at the monster I’ve created trashing the front room, I shout her. She looks at me difiantly and just screams ‘no no no no’. Jesus Christ almighty – give me strength. I’ll call dad.
Dad comes and rescues the day with keys, as soon as she sees him. Silence. What the actual hell? I carried this child around for 9 months, scarred my body to high heaven and yet Dad is favoutite. Okay.
He has to go out again soon, que the screaming for that. To save your the heartache of deep explaination, this went on for another 20 minutes at which point I put her in her cot to scream it out. Consistent still, I’ve got to give her that. Maybe she can use that on her CV in 14 years.
It’s times like this, when it’s the hardest and I just want to give up, I wonder if my dogs are thinking ‘this is absolutely diabolical, rehome me’. If they do, I can’t blame them.
I go for shock tactics this time and cry, loud and proud. She looks like I’ve just ripped Dollys head off. Shocked, appalled and embarrassed. It gives me a second of reprieve though!! I bet my dogs really want to be rehomed now!!!
Dad comes home, she cries because he’s home. He takes her down and I swear she thinks ‘yes I’ve won’.
I’ll skip straight to it, a meltdown over a pissing yoghurt. That’s it. I’m done!!!!!
At the end of it all – kids definitely know how to push buttons more than some adults. It’s like they’re programmed to drive you insane then at the moment when you’re ready to chuck yourself off a volcano into vicious lava, that will feel better than the headache of toddler screams, they do something amazing like copy a sentence or laugh at something that’s not remotely funny. Is this parenting at its finest? Probably not – but it’s all I have.